even though I've spent the majority of the last 3 years sick it still feels unnatural on my skin i
crave the light i crave the morning i crave the night i crave the intense i crave the alive and yet i'm stuck
being asked to go slow
for years and i am resentful of everyone
all the young people in my life who only have small apologies to offer me and what more what do I want from them as if one thing they could get me could heal years of learning to deal with problems too old for me living life with half the energy i want and need having all the momentum and no way to execute it
what if i am diving too hard into sage what if this is too intense too much what if i'm about to fuck up the best thing i've had what if he can't offer me what i need what if what if what if I'm too hard
I'm trying to be fun and easy and I'm so fun I'm so much but at what cost i need and i live too hard and then look what happens to me i fall flat on my face i sink so hard
i'm afraid i'm going to die i'm afraid i'm being punished for wanting to live so hard for wanting to go so hard i'm afraid i'm going to die for wanting to reach into the infinite inside of myself
what if i need to go away to go to a healing pool deep somewhere deep in the woods deep in a cabin where i'd be forced to read books only